


Neighborhood Watch

by She_Who_Only_Knows_War



Category: Original Work
Genre: But I Thought I'd Share It, Contraceptive Tampering, Gen, Heroes and Villains, Humor, It's All The Same to Me, OR IS IT, Sexual Innuendo?, Sexual Reference?, You're Welcome, i swear this is for a friend, thank you, utter crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-04-06 00:12:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4200459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/She_Who_Only_Knows_War/pseuds/She_Who_Only_Knows_War
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dildo the Second foils Jack's evil scheme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"There's injustice in this neighborhood," He whispers to himself as he creeps through the window. He knows these poor people are under Jack's evil oppression.

Digging through the drawers, he finds his enemy's ultimate weapon. With his Shining Needle of Seed Sowing, he lovingly pokes holes into the soft rubber.

"There will be freedom tonight!" He whispers to himself as he sneaks back out the window, his hat, shaped like the head of a penis, catching only slightly on the sill.

At the end of the street, stands Jack, wearing a giant marshmallow. "How dare you destroy my amazing work, Dildo the Second!"

Dildo the Second smiles and proudly strokes the strap on at his pelvis.

Jack hisses and pulls out a giant condom gun. "I'll get you yet! And everyone else who refuses to wear my precious Pregnancy Protection!"

Dildo the Second dodges expertly as Jack launches package after package at him, taking off down the street with the Marshmallow minions chasing after him.

One of them corners him. "No!" Cries Dildo the Second. "Not strawberry flavor!"

"It's the best there is," Says Jack.

Bravely breathing deep, Dildo the Second takes a moment to steel himself for the risk he's about to take. He and the Minion of Fluff stare each other down. Then they quick draw, Dildo drawing faster, shooting his special sticky mayonnaise onto the Minion with his favorite Dick Gun.

The Minion screams in horror as Dildo makes a break for it.  
His sidekick, Fleshlight the Third, pulls up in the Cat Mobile and Dildo slips in, pulling on his seatbelt, the buckle and the receiver are shaped like genitals and it makes Dildo happy to wear his seatbelt.

"How'd we do?" She asks.

"Mission accomplished," Dildo proudly says.

Fleshlight the Third smiles at him. "Makes you feel like you've got a real one, huh?"

"It makes me happy to defend these innocent people against Jack's evil schemes."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, late happy birthday, Corn Jesus... Although it's not nearly as good as the first.  
> On a side note, it's hard coming up with powers and weapons of sexual nature... Go figure! Haha

Jack shifts on his giant condom-throne, watching the Minion of Fluff teach the Barron of Safe Sex how to apply condoms.  
Ah, the agony of boredom. But it is a necessary evil if he wants to catch Dildo the Second.  
After he's caught, he'll have no choice but to wear the pregnancy protection!

Shifting on the rubber of the chair makes an odd squeaky sound. Like a wheel that needs badly to be oiled.

_Oh! What a genius comparison!_ He thinks. _Better patent that before anyone else can come up with it._

The Barron looks up. "Are you sure they even work?"

Firmly nodding, Jack tries not to be _insalted_ by the question. The condoms have to work. So of course they work, regardless of the true success rate. He refuses to even come near Dildo the Second without them.

_Oh Dildo,_ Jack thinks with a sigh, _surely you will come around soon..._

Thinking about Dildo's broad-ish shoulders and mischievous eyes gives Jack chills. "Send the condom plants into overdrive!"

Dildo the Second is going to wear his beautiful rubber if it's the last thing Jack does ー Well, for the day. Jack doesn't plan to die over it. That would be counterproductive.

 

"He's here!" Screams one of the Marshmallow Minions, flailing short arms out of a giant marshmallow costume. His cry of alert quickly becomes a scream of horror and Jack knows it's that damn dick gun Dildo has.

Rounding the corner, he comes face to face with Fleshlight the Third, her fluffy little pussycat on her shoulder. "Get him, Pomegranate."

Jack, relying on muscle memory, launches his condom missiles at the pussycat as it dodges and hisses. He laughs in delight as the cat is entrapped by the rubber, it's ruffled little head sticking out. Fleshlight cries out for Pomegranate to stay put while Jack hurriedly loads another round and points it at Fleshlight.

Bright blue eyes, framed with long lashes, stare at him. "You know those don't work on me, right?"

This throws Jack off. ". . . You're right."

Switching gears, he pulls a set of boomerangs from his pocket and throws one after another, as they fly towards her and she watches cautiously but waits until the last minute to dodge. The first and second fly past her but the third clips her arm and transforms into a ring, wrapping around her wrist securely. Pomegranate yowls from its place inside the giant condom. Fleshlight seems indecisive in this moment.

"You _monster!_ " Cries Dildo before he shoots a Marshmallow Minion with that wretched mayo. "Fleshlight has a right to fantastic, child-producing sex!"

Fleshlight pauses to blink rapidly then turns to Dildo the Second. "What?"

"You heard me right," Says Dildo. "You deserve to go out and have as many baby-daddies as you choose!"

With a strange expression, Fleshlight opens her mouth to answer Dildo. Jack thinks she might have an aneurysm soon.  
It's quickly cut short when the Barron of Safe Sex throws open one of the doors and starts shooting a machine gun at them, pelting Fleshlight with The Pill.

She only cries out for a moment before Jack realizes she's hysterically laughing. "I'm taking antibiotics!" And Jack realizes the mistake they've made. The Pill is nullified in response to antibiotics. Still laughing, Fleshlight withdraws palm-sized orbs of various colors. "Eat my warming jelly!" The Barron screams and shuts the door as she throws them like angry Wonder Woman.

Her eyes set on Jack and he pulls out the giant Marshmallow rocket.

From _where,_ you ask?

Yeah, don't ask.

"Eat my sugar!"

Fleshlight and Dildo recoil and search frantically for a place to hide before deciding to turn tail.  
Dildo grabs Pomegranate and they take off down the hallway and out of the factory, the fluffy, sugary missile of doom following them. Jack scowls and hopes the missile gives Dildo a sticky taste of his own medicine.

"S-sir? We have a problem."

Following the Minion of S'mores through the factory and when they arrive, Jack finds the machines clogged with the mess only the two heros could have made.  
Rubbing his temples, Jack decides that even if he dies, Dildo is going to wear a condom.


	3. Almost Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting really out of hand. I'm glad some people like it, though.  
> Happy New Years to everyone! Especially to you, LoudandDangerous and Corn Jesus.

"Yeeesss!" Says Dildo, watching a pair of teenagers make out from a distance with his Fuzzy-handcuff binoculars.

Fleshlight is reclined against the Cat Mobile, looking at the stars and stroking her pussycat. Pomegranate watches with interest, mewling encouragement from time to time.

"No!" Yells Dildo the Second. "No. No. Nonononono!"

"What is it?" Asks Fleshlight. "What's wrong?"

"That stupid, responsible boy brought condoms!"

"Well, let's do something about it."

Nodding to each other, Dildo and Fleshlight made their way to the car with fogged windows. Knocking on the window in cop glasses, Dildo scowled into the pane. "This is a stick up!"

"Oh! Please don't hurt us officer," The girl's voice is muffled. "We're just having some sweet, protected sex in a public place."

Hackles raised in outrage, Dildo knocks on the glass again. "That's inappropriate! An atrocity!"

"Um, Dildo," Says Fleshlight. "I don't think-"

"Be quiet my sexually active and come dumpster partner."

Shrugging, Fleshlight sits on the trunk and bounces it with her weight, further aggravating Dildo and making the girl in the car moan.

"Enough!" Cries Dildo. "This is a horrible tragedy!" Throwing the door open, Dildo yells, "You teenagers should be enjoying the freeing experience of- What in the name of all things deviant!"

"Hahahah!" Yells Jack as he and the Baron of Safe Sex exit the car. The trunk pops, throwing Fleshlight onto the hood and Marshmallow Minions start flooding out. "I've got you now, Dildo!"

"You said DILDO!" Yells the teenager in the backseat.

Both Jack and Dildo take a moment to look at the kid, deadpan.

"I can't believe they don't know who I am!" Cries Dildo.

"That's okay," Says Jack. "I do."

For a moment, their gazes lock, Jack's soft expression meets Dildo's perplexed one. Then they both smile.

"Thanks, Jack," Says Dildo the Second. "It means a lot when an arch nemesis recognises you."

"Yeah," Says Jack. "I can't do it for very long though."

"Oh," Says Dildo. "I can do it _aaalll night._ "

"Stop, Dildo. I'm going to get an erection."

Jutting his chin forward, Dildo looks sort of childish. "And what's wrong with that?"

Opening his mouth to argue, Jack pauses, closes his mouth. Opens it again then closes it. Finally, he says, "Nothing."

"Exactly!" Says Dildo. "Wanna have sex?"

"YES!- Erm uh. Yes." Says Jack, trying not to appear to eager. "I mean. Maybe."

"Awesome!" Says Dildo, taking Jack in his arms. "I've always wanted to go barebacking."

"No way in hell!" Yells Jack, tearing himself from Dildo's grip. "I'm not having sex with you unless you wear my Pregnancy Protection!"

"It's not like you _can_ get pregnant!" Complains Dildo.

"You don't know that!" Yells Jack, drawing his condom cannon as the Marshmallow Minions encircle Dildo. "Take your protection and like it!"

"Time to go!" Yells Fleshlight. Her hand grabs Dildo by the dick atop his head and yanks him into the car. Together, they speed down the road.

"Can you believe that guy?!" Yells Dildo. "And to think! I almost had sex with him."

Fleshlight rolls her eyes and turns up her favourite CD. Gangbang Six: The Erectioning.

It's going to be a long drive home.


End file.
